I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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