we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
