Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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