Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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