can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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