your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
