You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
