everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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