he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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