Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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