Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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