it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
