it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
