Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
