My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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