you're like a bully in the Christmas story
We got so high we made milksteak
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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