Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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