a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
