the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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