I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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