ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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