if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
40s are totally the cure
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
my liver is dry heaving
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
