Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Randomize
