my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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