Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Someone signed my nipple.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
