yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
