Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Randomize
