My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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