i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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