pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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