I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
