Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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