I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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