Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
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What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
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Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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