goodnight i made you a song goodbye
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
