i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
