First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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