At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
