this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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