Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
