Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
