so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So vagazzling was a success
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
