I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
