I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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