It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
