wrigley field is MILF paradise
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
