Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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