That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
