I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
