I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
