i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
