I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
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but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
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Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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