I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
