my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
