I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
