are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
