Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
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I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
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He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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